Shattered Trust: A Husband/Therapist’s Perspective on Infidelity, Why It Happens, and How We Heal

Infidelity. It’s one of the hardest conversations a man can have with himself. Whether you’ve been betrayed, are battling intrusive thoughts of stepping out, or just trying to understand why your partner did what she did—this post is for you. As a therapist, and as a man who works with men and couples, I’ve had a front-row seat to the wreckage infidelity causes and the complex reasons behind it. Let’s talk about it.

Why Women Cheat on Men

It’s tempting to think cheating is only about sex. But in my work, I’ve found that for many women, cheating is about unmet emotional needs. That doesn’t excuse the behavior—it explains it.

Women often report feeling unseen, unheard, or unappreciated for long stretches of time. They may carry the invisible weight of home, work, and relationship duties while feeling emotionally starved or taken for granted.

Sometimes, another person comes along and simply listens. Offers attention. Affection. A safe space to be vulnerable. And in that space, a betrayal takes root.

Other times, the cheating comes from unresolved trauma, a need for validation, or even as revenge in toxic relational cycles. These instances are far less common but do have a very real presence in the grand scheme of infidelity. But the most common thread? Emotional disconnection.

Why Men Think About Cheating or Leaving

For men, the internal process can be different—but just as complicated.

We don’t always have the emotional vocabulary to say what we need. This is not some flaw in our system, it is the way that we are raised from childhood and is deeply engrained in most of us.

When we feel disrespected, unappreciated, or like we’re walking on eggshells, it can eat away at our sense of self. Many men cheat not because they don’t love their partner, but because they don’t feel wanted and then, one day, that female coworker or acquaintance laughs at our corny joke that typically earns an eyeroll in your household. She tells you that you’re insightful or funny and then, suddenly, the recipe for infidelity has its ingredients.

There’s also the cultural script that tells men to prove their masculinity through conquest. It’s a lie that ruins lives. And beneath it? Often a deep well of shame, loneliness, and unmet emotional needs that we never learned how to express. If that sounds familiar, it is because this is what I just disclosed to you about female infidelity, our version simply presents itself with the masculine variation.

If You’ve Been Cheated On: How to Move Forward as a Man

Let’s get this out of the way: Being cheated on does not make you weak. It does not make you less of a man. Whatever your next steps will be, proceed with this truth in your head and be cautious in consulting with others whose experiences could conflict with their ability to provide you with useful council.

You did not deserve it, but it does hurt like hell. And you deserve to move through that pain, not suppress it.

Here’s what I tell my male clients:

1. Grieve first. Betrayal is a loss. Mourn it fully.

2. Don’t numb—feel. Distractions, rebounds, or shutting down only delay the pain. Therapy helps.

3. Ask the hard questions—without shaming yourself. Was the relationship already dying? Were there signs you ignored? What do you want now?

4. Rebuild self-respect. Cheating is about the other person’s choices, not your worth.

5. You must forgive to move on, but forgetting is not possible—holding on to resentment will rot your future.

6. Decide: rebuild or release. If you choose to stay, healing is possible but only with honesty, therapy, and both people doing the work.

   
   

Final Thoughts

Infidelity isn’t just about the act—it’s about the space that allowed it to grow. As men, we need safe places to talk, to hurt, and to heal. We need to get past the old message that “real men just move on.” Real men move through.

If you’re struggling after infidelity—whether you were betrayed or you betrayed—don’t go through it alone. There’s healing on the other side. But you have to start walking toward it.